The Link Between Anxiety & Control

Anxiety doesn’t always come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it. Like, all of it. Seeking to have control is a form of anxiety. It comes from the often unconscious belief that “I am not going to be okay” or “Things will not be okay.” When this is your default belief, you may have adopted one of two coping mechanisms in an attempt to feel that you, or things, will be okay.

First, you may attempt to control as much of your environment as possible with the unconscious thought that if you know what to expect, or if things happen the way you think they should or you want them to, then you will be okay. This takes the form of having rigid expectations of how things should be done, believing there is a right way to do things while everything else is the wrong way, over-preparing and over-researching in pursuit of the “right” choice or outcome, or struggling to relax if anything in your immediate environment is unattended to (such as dirty dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be put away).

Second, you may anticipate everything that can go wrong and create a plan for what you will do should each outcome occur. The unconscious thought behind this is that if you have a plan ready, then you will be okay.

How can you know if anxiety is causing you to try and exert too much control in your life?  Here are some signs: 

• You’re a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is a way of controlling other people’s reactions and feelings in an attempt to keep a situation desirable. 

• You’re a perfectionist. Perfectionism develops when you feel unsafe to mess up or ‘fail.’  

• You try to control the behaviors or feelings of your partner, friends, or family. 

• You can’t delegate tasks. You don’t trust anyone else to handle things the way you would, so instead of asking for help or giving away some of your tasks, you do it all and end up exhausted and on edge. 

• You micromanage other people.

• You feel the need to know and plan for every little detail of any situation you’re involved in.

• You don’t like when plans change or don’t go according to the way you’d envisioned

• You have very high standards, are critical or judgmental of others or yourself, and want things done your way.

All of these situations involve trying to control other people, external circumstances, or your own nervous system’s response to something. Unfortunately, the more you try to exert control over your life in this way, the more likely you are to develop even more anxiety. 

This is because when you put massive amounts of effort into making something run smoothly and it ends up going well or at least decently, you attribute the success of the outcome to your controlling behaviors, not to you. Each time this happens, you reinforce the idea that you need to keep controlling everything in order for things to turn out okay.

In this way, your anxiety builds and builds. You don’t trust yourself to handle an unknown scenario or outcome. You may worry that the discomfort will be too great or that something bad might happen if you let your guard down.

The problem with control is that it fully externalizes the conditions under which you can be okay. It bases your well-being on factors outside of you — the one place where you have no control.

In other words, for all of your efforts to be in control, it is not control you are gaining, it is only stress and anxiety.

So what are the alternatives to these well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful strategies? It is to shift your sense of well-being from factors outside of your control to your internal strengths and capabilities. It is to recognize that no matter what happens to you, or around you, you are the reason you will be okay. You and all of your internal strengths, competencies, qualities, knowledge, skills, and resources are the reason you will cope with whatever happens.